The Fall of Autumn

As she made her way to her cold car- the only one in the deserted parking lot- Amulya’s mind took her to the night when he ended up here. And she wished it hadn’t. 

Last night, she saw him again. Of the eleven nights Amulya spent religiously walking up to his room just to stroke his cheek and wish him a good night, this was the last. He has left her and there is nothing she can do to stop him now. “I just hope you shine as bright as everyone said you would, wherever you end up”, she said to herself, her breath billowing white puffs in the cold December air. 

He and Amulya went long back. In fact, he was a part of her life for as far back as her memory took her. It had been just a day since he left but it felt to her as if an entire lifetime had passed. She never got to have much of him in his last days, anyway. So many people had hovered all around him that she can bet her last penny on the fact that he did not get enough time to even register their faces. Sitting on the corner of her bed in the darkness, she allowed herself to go further into her memory since she had ventured to step into it anyway. She took a deep breath and prepared herself for the inevitable outburst of helpless sobs. But she seemed to get a weird high off this. She would think about him, tear herself into pieces, then gather those pieces back up and go about as if nothing had happened- until some random instance struck her memory once again. This had become a pattern for the past twenty- four hours.

This time she thought about his blue eyes. Throughout his life, people had marvelled at the way he looked. This, along with his kindness and his wisdom made him the star attraction in the family. His milky white skin paired with those impenetrable crystal blue eyes, in a family of brown skin and brown eyes, made him stand out. What else made him stand out was his upright, strong and confident demeanour. He wasn’t particularly tall but the serious expression he always wore on his face made people respect him the way one would respect their guru. His dark round glasses and his loud and clear voice made him someone who could not be messed with. He was grand. He was enigmatic. He had been a great sportsman and athlete. From hockey to long jump- he aced it all. In fact, he had turned his passion for sports into his career at Roorkee University. But- there’s always a but- just like with every single person on this planet, life happened to him.

Amulya now went back to the day when she was shooting for a short film project with her friends. She was in the middle of being slapped and thrown on the floor by her abusive husband when her phone rang. The hint of alarm was clear in her mother’s otherwise calm voice.

“Beta, go back home right now. We’re on our way back as well. Baba lost his balance and fell.” There was a short pause on the other end and then in an almost whimper, her mother said, “he’s hurt.”

Up until this moment Amulya had not been too acknowledging of Baba’s presence in the home- or in her life. She had done what was required of every grandchild to do and that was essentially where her relationship with him ended, apart from the occasional storytelling sessions where he would narrate anecdotes from the past that Amulya had learned by heart over these seventeen years of her life. But she loved hearing them over and over again.

The last three months, Amulya thought, went by in a blur. She tried remembering what those three months felt like but all she could recall were little bits and pieces of stark images that now seems to be engraved on her mind. Endless, sleepless nights, shaking hands, dribbling drool, forgetfulness and broken speech. This is all she could remember and, perhaps, all she would remember from hereon of those three months. Instead of tearing apart this time though, she surprised herself. She got up and gave out a little sad laugh. It was funny, she thought, how a lifetime of grandeur could be overshadowed in three swift months, and be packed away and sent over to the other side.

That pleasant October day fastened Baba’s departure. With each passing day, Baba’s winter neared until he was as cold as that December night which took him away. 

Abyss

I know hell exists

3 am and here without you

Enveloped by darkness

Surrounded by loneliness 

And afraid to fall asleep

Because the fiend that

Fosters in my soul

Won't set me free

Even in my dreams now

My mind is tired and afraid

Of seeing the things I now see

Behind these shut eyes

As they try to take me away

And I cannot gather the strength

To fight them off anymore

Because the longing

Of the comfort of your arms around me

As I slowly drown into the darkness

Of the most peaceful sleep

I had

Ever since I stopped clutching onto Teddy

Has robbed me of the ability

To fight myself all by myself

And I yearn for those nights

When you would not let go of me

All through the night 

Till we woke up.

I know what hell is

3 am and longing for 
Your smell, my lullaby

Hemispheres

Your voice still rings
In my ears as clear as day
"Dare not cry"
Cry? I am not
"While you're gone
Too many thousand miles far
For I am no sailor 
Who could cross the seven seas
And wipe those crystals 
Off your cheeks
And the knowledge of this
Is too insufferable
For me to survive."

Revelation

Oh darling
I shall never forget that night 
When we stayed up late
Till the sun rose again
Showing each other our battle scars
That we valiantly lost
To win this one
And convincing each other of the beauty we saw
In our blemished bodies
Even as we stripped naked
And marvelled at our faultless flaws
That fit so well
With the stories we told
Of the life 
Now seemingly a distant past to us
As we vow to guard and to compliment each other
Till Death do us apart

To Blue Eyes and Toothless Smiles

I slip into slumber
Before I am awake
As my very existence
Is a constant reminder of you
And your aching absence
I want to rid you off my mind,
Let go of the things that are there no more
But I cannot
You seem to have become a part of it
And you will slowly devour it

A Letter to Heaven

I haven't ever told a soul
That I sometimes can still feel 
Your cold and wrinkly stubby fingers 
Intertwined in mine 
And see the way you flashed
That toothless smile 
Lying in that white bed
Tethered to various machines
Working every second to keep you breathing 
Inside those pale walls painted blue 
When I told you I'd come to meet you the very next day
But I never did
And now I cannot.
I cannot hear that breathy sound of your voice
Praying for my health and wisdom
For He who you used to pray to
Called you to Himself 
And now I cannot feel the gaze of your 
Light blue eyes looking at me intently 
Every time I read out a new essay I wrote
I miss the way you used to pinch my cheek
Every time I kissed you goodnight 
And I'm sorry that I didn't do it often enough 
I'm sorry that I never came back to see you 
To make you smile like you did 
And maybe help you live a day longer.
It's vain and it's futile now
And I haven't ever said this aloud 
But I miss you

Salvation

This dark corner

Of my large house

Lit only by a faint bulb

With moths fluttering around it

Is home to my heart

Heavy with emotions

My eyes

Brimming with tears

And my mind

Burning with the need to express

But I cannot comprehend 

What this heaviness is

And I cannot fathom

What these emotions are 

I cannot unravel

This need to express

And as I lay wide awake,

Deprived of the ability to sleep,

My mind races back 

To the last time you lay here beside me 

But I know for sure

That you are not

What this aching soul needs to express

And I won't let you be

The reason for this aching soul

Because you are neither my life

Nor the centre of my universe 

You are not what

Other poets claim their lovers to be

I am a free soul

I won't let you be 

Everything I need

I won't let you be

Anything more than

Just a fragment of my life

I shall not float so shallow

I shall dive deep

And find more to my life

Than just you.

And somewhere unknowingly, I created another piece about you. I am dreading that you might as well be the reason for my salvation. 

Verboten

Today I found out what destruction in love really means. 

I remember when I was a kid, I had a stuffed monkey that I always used to carry around with me. Mr. Brown was the only true friend I ever had. He accompanied me to the tea parties where no ones else ever showed up and helped me fight the monsters under my bed and slip into deep slumber. And then came that horrific asthma attack tat took all my stuffed toys away from me including Mr. Brown. I would cry for days reminiscing about all the good memories we spent together and how my Dad forbade me from using anything that could trigger another attack. 

The lesser known truth is that I sometimes used to take him out of that steel metal storage trunk where he was kept hostage and hug him tightly, take his smell in and try to remember it for as long as I could, for I did not know how long it would be till I got to see him again.

Love.

Irrevocable.

It will all be fun till it'll be time to bid goodbye until next time. And the uncertainty of that next time will haunt you. It could be a day or a week or a few weeks, you would never know. 

Loving the forbidden will be the toughest and all consuming. It will take the life out of you. Those moments of loneliness when you need them so much and yet they sit out of reach will be savaging. The helplessness you will feel when they're in need and you sit with your hands tied and can find no way to break through that rope that binds you will be ravaging. 

The fruit of the wait will always be 'worth it' but the excruciating pain during that wait will damages you. It will  make you cry yourself to sleep every night and that hollow pain in your torso will  became so familiar that it will only be noticeable when it decides to fade away momentarily. Most of your time will be spent in trying to remember their smell and in trying to feel every touch that made your body left tingling. But the tryst. Oh, the tryst! 

Get lost in their eyes and memorize how they light up every time they talk about their favourite sport. Or how their eyelashes flutter and shut close when you lean in to kiss them. Memorize how their fingers get intertwined in yours and how that dimple on their cheek makes you want to look at them forever. Remember every contour of their body and how well it fits and shapes with yours. Let yourself be the happiest person in that moment because God knows how long it will last and God knows how long you will have to wait to feel all of that again. Let your pain fade away as you snuggle close to them and let your heart beat fast every time they hold you by your waist and brush a strand of hair off your face. Let yourself be because everything is so much more fun when you are forbidden from doing it.

Joy.

Until next time.

Unfaithful

I lay idle like every other night with abstract thoughts flitting through my mind and not surprisingly, it zeroes in on you.

My mind wandered to that night when you poured your heart out to me. You construed our first date to me from how you saw it with intricate details. You remembered every single conversation we had, sitting on the terrace of that high rise building, watching the sun slowly dip behind the trees that lined the horizon. You remembered every insignificant detail of my life I might have narrated to you. You have a wonderful memory.

You told me you saw a big part of yourself in me- carefree and happy- just what you seek to be. And then you jumped about two months ahead and described the goosebumps that covered every inch of skin on your body when I first told you I loved you. "The best birthday gift ever", you said. You confessed proudly that I had created a writer out of you. Putting your thoughts into words was a skill that never came to you without difficulty but you claimed I made it effortless.

I will never forget the way you explained every feeling, thought and emotion you ever felt towards me. While I sat their motionless on the corner of my bed with the phone glued to my left ear and my head resting against the poster clad wall, with silent tears gushing out and rolling down my cheeks, my body was numb from the pain of knowing that there is a sadistic devil in angel's form residing somewhere inside of me, deriving pleasure out of those who gave their soul to me and faking promises to guard it with my own while it slowly burns down everything that made you feel and sucks out every emotion that drove you towards me.

Now I lay wide awake and wonder if my love will ever be good enough for you. I am incapable of loving anyone the way you love me. You are giving me your all and I can't even warn you about that angel which will soon slip out of my control and render me powerless.

Fanaa

In the dark you sit
With your face close to mine
A faint glow of light
Coming from far away
Illuminates your beautiful face
Our bare bodies touching,
And mine trembling with the energy
That your presence makes me feel

Every time your lingering fingers
Touch my barren skin
A spark runs up my spine
Like electricity passing through me
And every word you whisper
Sends my body rippling
Fervently pleading for more

In your arms I lay
With our breaths ragged,
Our hearts a symphony of uneven rhythms
And I knew
That I'd need this sunlight
To keep my head up to the sky
For every moment I spend living
From this time forth

My manipulative heart whispered
To my free spirit
That feared needing a soul
To keep mine alive
And loathed annihilating me
"Let yourself feel
All the good things
That you thought you were incapable of feeling."

Unveiled

You made me feel so vulnerable
All my emotions-
Blithe or bereaved
In your ascendancy
Ever since I met you
I have you
In the space of my mind
That once used to be empty and lifeless
You gave me a person to think of
All the time
You gave me moments to cherish
And long for your touch
You gave me a person to crave
And a meeting to always look forward to
You made me expect affection
You made me desire someone
With every breath I took
You gave me wild butterflies
In the pit of my stomach
Every time we touched
And you made me want more
You made me long for you
Every time we kissed goodbye
You made me need you
Like my existence depended on you
You made me want to share
All my secrets
And made me trust you
So facilely 
You made an open book of me
You helped me up from my dark corner,
Dusted me off
And put me under the spotlight
You made me feel like I was needed
Like your existence depended on me
You made all of my doubts go away
And all my pieces fit in
Like a jigsaw in place
Like a treasure map
And you proved me wrong
When I thought you to be
Another demon who would play with my mind
And stayed,
Waiting patiently,
Letting me take my own sweet time
Even when I tried to care less
About everything you did
To maintain my guarded self
And you still stayed
Even when it took you 
Tiring days and long nights
To bring down the wall I had built around me
You still stayed
And waited patiently
You made me adore you
And that is why I abhor you

One Year Anniversary

Does your past ever haunt you

Flashing back

Right in front of your eyes

With those horrid memories

That kept you in the dark

For days at a stretch

When you didn’t eat

Or sleep

Or breathe

And ceased to exist?

Do you ever feel fatigued

And so worn out

So drained

That your humanness

Dries up

And all that is left of you

Is a spiritless body

Forcing itself

To function

But cannot?

Do you ever feel

Your sunny day

Overcast by dark skies

Takes away the laughter

From your being

When you suddenly hark back
And that stabbing pain

In the torso

Returns with gloom

And sorrow

Remorse

Chagrin?

It’s been ages

Since it ever happened

Your past way behind you

But suddenly it comes back

And you remember how you felt

And you don’t want to feel that way anymore

But yet you do

Mettle

Armed with the INSAS

He sits 18000 ft above

Where no layman can reach

Or think of visiting

The need to protect

And to serve

The 1.2 billion

Sitting far, far away

Keeps him going

In the biting cold

In the scorching June

A bit of whiskey

To warm his soul

And to fill the aching space
In his heart

That longs for his family

Is enough today

To keep him going

Until he breathes his last

Accessory

Since their early childhoods

They saw each other grow up

Into the persons they are today

And ever since she knew him

She besotted him

Clandestinely

For nor he ever did

Neither shall he ever know

Philandered with other damsels he

And sought succour in her 
If one ever disparaged him

Never could he have conjectured

That she who stood by him

Got her heart slivered

Each time he admired someone else.

And ever since she knew him

She besotted him

Clandestinely

For nor he ever did

Neither shall he ever know

Their good and bad

Well versed to both

Their battles

Familiar to both

But he always adored someone else

And ever since she knew him

She besotted him

Clandestinely

For nor he ever did

Neither shall he ever know

Someday

She too shall learn

To be smitten by someone else

And love him more than anything

But that lad

Who she grew up with

Shall monopolize a personal space

Eternally in her essence

And ever since she knew him

She besotted him

Clandestinely

For nor he ever did

Neither shall he ever know

Forlorn

All by herself she sits

In that room so empty now

The dark of the night

Lurks in every corner

Of those white walls

And he

Escapes into his own space

Leaving her behind

For the dead of the night

A moan escapes her parted lips

A moan that longs

His gentle touch

The contours of his chest

And his protective embrace

But he doesn’t come back

All by herself she sits

In that room so empty now

Reminiscing the memories

He left behind

His smell still lingers

And she can feel

The spark of his touch

On her skin

And the words he spoke

All the promises he made

The song that played

The first time their lips met

Every memory he gave her

Brings him back here

But he doesn’t come back

All by herself she sits

In that room so empty now

He is nothing

But a figment of her imagination

Anymore

No more those sleepless nights

From the butterflies that stayed inside of her

No more endless fights

On the matters seemingly arguable

But she craves for one last chance

To make things right

To kiss him one last time

To hold him in her arms

And to know it will all turn out fine

But he doesn’t come back

All by herself she sits

In that room so empty now

Love Thyself.

Yesterday, I was sitting in my room, brainstorming over what I'm going to write about next. I literally pulled at my hair, for I couldn't think of one topic decent enough to start with. All my ideas seemed like a complete waste of time, and the rough drafts that I had prepared felt like crap. I had no idea as to what my next post could be. I felt so low and disappointed that I thought there was no future with this blog. After all the positive responses I got, I still doubted myself, I don't know why. But then it hit me- All this while I had been searching, searching, searching, what I didn't realize was that the answer lies within- Love Thyself. It's something what we've been told over and over again- be confident of yourselves. But when it comes to those situations where you feel so low and so dubious of yourself, it's really hard to 'love yourself'. Trust me, I know that feeling. And this is just a small incident when I thought I couldn't do it. There have been many more.

What needs to be remembered is that it'll come to you, but all in good time. You just need to be patient enough. I mean, failure comes to all, doesn't it? In fact, success comes only to those who have survived failure. But failing doesn't mean we lose hope and think less of ourselves. You try, and you learn where you were mistaken. That's a step towards success, as it is. That low self esteem screws your confidence up and then there's no hope for achievement. I learned that the hard way. The first step in attaining something, is by believing that you can do it. Confidence is one such state of mind when nobody can stop you from gaining what you deserve. That confidence, it only comes when you're proud of who you are. (Disclaimer: overconfidence and haughtiness is hazardous!)
There are times when you think that your hard work is going down the drain. Even after working day in and day out, you don't get the results you were hoping for. But remember, honey. It's not the end of the world. There are also times when you become quite unsure of something that you plan to do. "What will they say?" This thought keeps haunting your sanity. But at times like this, you just gotta let yourself go with the flow and let your heart take charge of your directions because often your mind starts to think too much, and our true emotions remain hidden. After all, Marilyn Monroe's got it right- "it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than to be absolutely boring." All you have to do is trust your instincts and have faith in yourself, and you'll certainly reach where you were meant to be.
Then there's the issue of those who just don't think of themselves as anything. They blindly follow what others say or do and that's all they are- an imitation of someone or somebody. As long as you are true to yourself, it's awesome. But just as soon as you lose track of yourself, and start treading over someone else's trails, it's a waste of your time, because these trails will lead you nowhere. Doing things just because everyone's doing it is just stupid. Desperately trying to be 'cool' is just being a wannabe. I'm sorry if you're one of them. I don't mean to offend anybody. But it's the truth. Why can't we just be ourselves and be true to who we really are? I believe that having the courage to be unabashedly yourself makes you the real deal.



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