The Fall of Autumn

As she made her way to her cold car- the only one in the deserted parking lot- Amulya’s mind took her to the night when he ended up here. And she wished it hadn’t. 

Last night, she saw him again. Of the eleven nights Amulya spent religiously walking up to his room just to stroke his cheek and wish him a good night, this was the last. He has left her and there is nothing she can do to stop him now. “I just hope you shine as bright as everyone said you would, wherever you end up”, she said to herself, her breath billowing white puffs in the cold December air. 

He and Amulya went long back. In fact, he was a part of her life for as far back as her memory took her. It had been just a day since he left but it felt to her as if an entire lifetime had passed. She never got to have much of him in his last days, anyway. So many people had hovered all around him that she can bet her last penny on the fact that he did not get enough time to even register their faces. Sitting on the corner of her bed in the darkness, she allowed herself to go further into her memory since she had ventured to step into it anyway. She took a deep breath and prepared herself for the inevitable outburst of helpless sobs. But she seemed to get a weird high off this. She would think about him, tear herself into pieces, then gather those pieces back up and go about as if nothing had happened- until some random instance struck her memory once again. This had become a pattern for the past twenty- four hours.

This time she thought about his blue eyes. Throughout his life, people had marvelled at the way he looked. This, along with his kindness and his wisdom made him the star attraction in the family. His milky white skin paired with those impenetrable crystal blue eyes, in a family of brown skin and brown eyes, made him stand out. What else made him stand out was his upright, strong and confident demeanour. He wasn’t particularly tall but the serious expression he always wore on his face made people respect him the way one would respect their guru. His dark round glasses and his loud and clear voice made him someone who could not be messed with. He was grand. He was enigmatic. He had been a great sportsman and athlete. From hockey to long jump- he aced it all. In fact, he had turned his passion for sports into his career at Roorkee University. But- there’s always a but- just like with every single person on this planet, life happened to him.

Amulya now went back to the day when she was shooting for a short film project with her friends. She was in the middle of being slapped and thrown on the floor by her abusive husband when her phone rang. The hint of alarm was clear in her mother’s otherwise calm voice.

“Beta, go back home right now. We’re on our way back as well. Baba lost his balance and fell.” There was a short pause on the other end and then in an almost whimper, her mother said, “he’s hurt.”

Up until this moment Amulya had not been too acknowledging of Baba’s presence in the home- or in her life. She had done what was required of every grandchild to do and that was essentially where her relationship with him ended, apart from the occasional storytelling sessions where he would narrate anecdotes from the past that Amulya had learned by heart over these seventeen years of her life. But she loved hearing them over and over again.

The last three months, Amulya thought, went by in a blur. She tried remembering what those three months felt like but all she could recall were little bits and pieces of stark images that now seems to be engraved on her mind. Endless, sleepless nights, shaking hands, dribbling drool, forgetfulness and broken speech. This is all she could remember and, perhaps, all she would remember from hereon of those three months. Instead of tearing apart this time though, she surprised herself. She got up and gave out a little sad laugh. It was funny, she thought, how a lifetime of grandeur could be overshadowed in three swift months, and be packed away and sent over to the other side.

That pleasant October day fastened Baba’s departure. With each passing day, Baba’s winter neared until he was as cold as that December night which took him away. 

Revelation

Oh darling
I shall never forget that night 
When we stayed up late
Till the sun rose again
Showing each other our battle scars
That we valiantly lost
To win this one
And convincing each other of the beauty we saw
In our blemished bodies
Even as we stripped naked
And marvelled at our faultless flaws
That fit so well
With the stories we told
Of the life 
Now seemingly a distant past to us
As we vow to guard and to compliment each other
Till Death do us apart

Captive

Your shackles that tether me
To the corner of this room
Shadow me
And compel me to
Give in to the darkness
Forcing me to shell into myself

I am a free bird
With a heart that goes berserk
On seeing
This endless ocean
Stretched far in front of me
The places I haven't been
And the memories I haven't made
Make me go weak on my knees
For there is a hunger
Raging ablaze inside of me
That aches
To explore
And wander
And never look back

These redundant regulations
That you suffocate me with
Are a waste of your time
And mine
Let me be
Let me learn as I fall
And learn as I fail

I desire
Adventures
Experiences
And knowledge
And your grounding obligations
Take this life away from me
I can foresee
This will end badly for me
And tragically for you
Because once I leave
I shall never come back
And you can watch your precious
Fade away into the distance 
Taking all the sunshine
And happy days
Along with her

Don't cage me up
Let me break
Set me free

Salvation

This dark corner

Of my large house

Lit only by a faint bulb

With moths fluttering around it

Is home to my heart

Heavy with emotions

My eyes

Brimming with tears

And my mind

Burning with the need to express

But I cannot comprehend 

What this heaviness is

And I cannot fathom

What these emotions are 

I cannot unravel

This need to express

And as I lay wide awake,

Deprived of the ability to sleep,

My mind races back 

To the last time you lay here beside me 

But I know for sure

That you are not

What this aching soul needs to express

And I won't let you be

The reason for this aching soul

Because you are neither my life

Nor the centre of my universe 

You are not what

Other poets claim their lovers to be

I am a free soul

I won't let you be 

Everything I need

I won't let you be

Anything more than

Just a fragment of my life

I shall not float so shallow

I shall dive deep

And find more to my life

Than just you.

And somewhere unknowingly, I created another piece about you. I am dreading that you might as well be the reason for my salvation. 

Verboten

Today I found out what destruction in love really means. 

I remember when I was a kid, I had a stuffed monkey that I always used to carry around with me. Mr. Brown was the only true friend I ever had. He accompanied me to the tea parties where no ones else ever showed up and helped me fight the monsters under my bed and slip into deep slumber. And then came that horrific asthma attack tat took all my stuffed toys away from me including Mr. Brown. I would cry for days reminiscing about all the good memories we spent together and how my Dad forbade me from using anything that could trigger another attack. 

The lesser known truth is that I sometimes used to take him out of that steel metal storage trunk where he was kept hostage and hug him tightly, take his smell in and try to remember it for as long as I could, for I did not know how long it would be till I got to see him again.

Love.

Irrevocable.

It will all be fun till it'll be time to bid goodbye until next time. And the uncertainty of that next time will haunt you. It could be a day or a week or a few weeks, you would never know. 

Loving the forbidden will be the toughest and all consuming. It will take the life out of you. Those moments of loneliness when you need them so much and yet they sit out of reach will be savaging. The helplessness you will feel when they're in need and you sit with your hands tied and can find no way to break through that rope that binds you will be ravaging. 

The fruit of the wait will always be 'worth it' but the excruciating pain during that wait will damages you. It will  make you cry yourself to sleep every night and that hollow pain in your torso will  became so familiar that it will only be noticeable when it decides to fade away momentarily. Most of your time will be spent in trying to remember their smell and in trying to feel every touch that made your body left tingling. But the tryst. Oh, the tryst! 

Get lost in their eyes and memorize how they light up every time they talk about their favourite sport. Or how their eyelashes flutter and shut close when you lean in to kiss them. Memorize how their fingers get intertwined in yours and how that dimple on their cheek makes you want to look at them forever. Remember every contour of their body and how well it fits and shapes with yours. Let yourself be the happiest person in that moment because God knows how long it will last and God knows how long you will have to wait to feel all of that again. Let your pain fade away as you snuggle close to them and let your heart beat fast every time they hold you by your waist and brush a strand of hair off your face. Let yourself be because everything is so much more fun when you are forbidden from doing it.

Joy.

Until next time.

Fanaa

In the dark you sit
With your face close to mine
A faint glow of light
Coming from far away
Illuminates your beautiful face
Our bare bodies touching,
And mine trembling with the energy
That your presence makes me feel

Every time your lingering fingers
Touch my barren skin
A spark runs up my spine
Like electricity passing through me
And every word you whisper
Sends my body rippling
Fervently pleading for more

In your arms I lay
With our breaths ragged,
Our hearts a symphony of uneven rhythms
And I knew
That I'd need this sunlight
To keep my head up to the sky
For every moment I spend living
From this time forth

My manipulative heart whispered
To my free spirit
That feared needing a soul
To keep mine alive
And loathed annihilating me
"Let yourself feel
All the good things
That you thought you were incapable of feeling."

Unveiled

You made me feel so vulnerable
All my emotions-
Blithe or bereaved
In your ascendancy
Ever since I met you
I have you
In the space of my mind
That once used to be empty and lifeless
You gave me a person to think of
All the time
You gave me moments to cherish
And long for your touch
You gave me a person to crave
And a meeting to always look forward to
You made me expect affection
You made me desire someone
With every breath I took
You gave me wild butterflies
In the pit of my stomach
Every time we touched
And you made me want more
You made me long for you
Every time we kissed goodbye
You made me need you
Like my existence depended on you
You made me want to share
All my secrets
And made me trust you
So facilely 
You made an open book of me
You helped me up from my dark corner,
Dusted me off
And put me under the spotlight
You made me feel like I was needed
Like your existence depended on me
You made all of my doubts go away
And all my pieces fit in
Like a jigsaw in place
Like a treasure map
And you proved me wrong
When I thought you to be
Another demon who would play with my mind
And stayed,
Waiting patiently,
Letting me take my own sweet time
Even when I tried to care less
About everything you did
To maintain my guarded self
And you still stayed
Even when it took you 
Tiring days and long nights
To bring down the wall I had built around me
You still stayed
And waited patiently
You made me adore you
And that is why I abhor you

Letting Go

We all have such people in our lives that make it difficult for us to sleep, eat or breathe. They make it difficult for us to live, period. Of course the solution to such people is pretty simple: get rid of them. We stop talking to them, start avoiding them or simply decrease the amount of conversation or contacts we previously used to have with them.

But it starts becomes difficult for us when we love that person unconditionally and we realize that they don’t. Instead, they start hurting us- intentionally, or unintentionally- whichever. But they start hurting us, nonetheless and we realize that they’re no good for us. We know that they cause us pain- physical, or emotional. We know that they start giving us sleepless nights. We keep thinking about them day and night, and the problem is, that it’s not in a good sense. We keep stressing over why they have become this way, why they are doing what they are doing. Why, why, why? They start invading our sane space and start occupying most of our mind. We find it difficult to focus over more vital things in our lives.  But what’s the big deal in that too? Just avoid them. The big deal is that we’re just too selfish to let go of them because we need them if we are to live. We need them irrationally in our lives- or so we think. Whatever it is we do, we keep wondering what would they be doing right now? How cool it would have been had they been here. Then we bang our heads for thinking that way because we know they aren’t thinking about us. We know that they’re never going to be here. We’re too stubborn to admit that they have already let go of us. We keep hoping and praying that someday we would be the same as we were with them back then. But in the back of our heads, we all know that it’s never going to be the same again.

If you’re the kind of a person who likes to live in the what could have been life, then sorry. I don’t have any advice to give you, and most probably you will continue to live in your little shell for the rest of your life. God bless you, if you snap out of it eventually. But if you’re the kind of person who likes to move on and stop hurting, if you decide to get better someday, sometime, then maybe what I have to say next will help you. Go lay down on your bed, eyes shut, lights off, music off, no distractions, and think. Think if you try and amend things with them, will it ever be the same again? Are you ready to forgive them fully and begin with a fresh start, or is it possible that you might negotiate with them and manipulate them over their mistakes for the rest of time? Ask your close friends, or family what they think about your situation, and then consider each option. But the tricky part is to be impartial. You have to be completely true to yourself. Because you're thinking about yourself here. Your happiness is the topmost priority right now. You have to remember that people will be happy around you, only if you are happy. This will not only put your mind to peace, but will also make you feel good about yourself.

When you finally have all your answers with yourself, even if it takes you weeks to gather your answers, it is finally the time where you get to decide. The best part about this is that there’s no right or wrong. You know what you want and so you can choose for yourself. You are the best judge of your relationship with that person because no one can understand how you truly are feeling, even if you try to describe it.

In the end, the decision is yours and you have to decide for yourself. The sad part is that no one can do that for you. Other people can only advice you, but you are the sole person who knows what is good for you, and only you. Whatever you decide, always remember that the priority of the decision is your happiness, the rest is secondary. As long as you are happy, nothing else matters.

Ignorance Is Bliss.

"Okay so the story goes like i have been hearing a lot of people saying tht m an ugly duckling. i dont know hw to respond."

Dear anonymous person,
I found this picture yesterday and I think it's completely apt for your situation. There are people out there who have absolutely nothing to do. So they just go ahead making snide comments about other people. They are just a bunch of low lives who think they've got it all figured out, but they are the actual ones who need help. In a mental asylum. Believe me. I, of all the people, should know this because I've been a victim of such remarks a lot. But do you know what I do? I pay no heed.
As long as you are truly confident of yourself, that's all that matters. And the rest can go rot in Hell. The more attention you pay towards them, the longer they're going to carry on. And just as soon as you stop listening to them, they'll grow bored and move on. Because they have nothing better to do. You don't need anyone judging you because they don't know who you are. And the people who love you no matter what, are always going to be there for you and that's all that matters. Trust me on this.
You don't need to get all brashy with them because, as they say, it's futile to argue with a fool. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience! You gotta do what's right for you. No one else is walking in your shoes.

Hope things turn in your favour soon. Do let me know :)

Shoo away the boredom!

Okay, so I'm super excited. I checked my drive today and I found a few pending responses to the 'finding nemo' Google document. The first question goes like this- "Bored out of my mind. Maybe a post about how to pass time? Or any fun stuff to do rather than just laze around and have coffee. Thanks :)"

Before I start, I would just like to warn you- don't have TOO much coffee. It isn't good for your system. Details here.

I bet I can relate to you. You're probably just having 'one of those days' when you don't feel like doing anything. Believe me, I know exactly how that feels. So here goes a list of things that I often do when I'm bored out of my mind:

1. BOOKS, BOOKS AND MORE BOOKS.

I believe there's nothing better than a good book on such days. Now the kind of book you want to read depends upon your personal choices and moods. If you're feeling low and depressed, you'd probably want to read something light- like The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, If You Could See Me Now by Cecelia Ahern and the series of Bridget Jones' Diary by Helen Fielding.

If you like stories that tackle the society, then you must read To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and The Color Purple by Alice Walker.

When you feel like reading some teenage drama, then don't forget to give these books a shot- Stalk Me by Jillian Dodd, The Girl Next Door by Selene Castrovilla and Love Story by Jennifer Echols.

As for those who haven't read any books yet, and are scared of the long pages printed monotonously in black ink, you can simply opt for The Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney. They're hilarious, and they'll get you hooked.

2. MUSIC.

Music is a great escapism from the world. Just pop in your favorite album into the CD player and there you go! You can forget all about the inhabitants of this planet and just lose yourself in your own thoughts and emotions.

3. RECREATION

You all know what you're good at- be it singing, dancing, art or whatever. So when you have a few months ahead of you, and there's not much you plan on doing, save up some money by working somewhere or helping your parents out in some chores and get some professional training for what you love. Like I like dancing, so I've learnt Bharatnatyam- the Indian classical dance- for four years. It's good to learn something apart from the scholarly textbooks which every so often become boring.

4. SWEAT IT OUT.

When you feel lazy and have nothing to do, just do some exercise. Go for a run, hit the gym, or just simply turn up the music and dance away to glory. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that may leave you feeling happier and more relaxed. You may also feel better about your appearance and yourself when you exercise regularly, which can boost your confidence and improve your self-esteem.

5. SOCIALIZE.

Is there any better way of passing your time other than hanging out with your pals? Go out for a walk, shop in the mall, catch a film or just go and meet new people. 

You can also catch up with your long lost friends with whom you were in touch all through elementary school. They'll feel good to hear from you again and you'll do too. 

P.s. When I say socialize, I don't mean virtually. I mean it really. Don't just sit in front of the computer, make plans and go and actually see them. It's way better that way.

I think I have covered up almost every way I could think of to pass time. Have some more ideas? Don't forget to drop them in the comments below!

Love Thyself.

Yesterday, I was sitting in my room, brainstorming over what I'm going to write about next. I literally pulled at my hair, for I couldn't think of one topic decent enough to start with. All my ideas seemed like a complete waste of time, and the rough drafts that I had prepared felt like crap. I had no idea as to what my next post could be. I felt so low and disappointed that I thought there was no future with this blog. After all the positive responses I got, I still doubted myself, I don't know why. But then it hit me- All this while I had been searching, searching, searching, what I didn't realize was that the answer lies within- Love Thyself. It's something what we've been told over and over again- be confident of yourselves. But when it comes to those situations where you feel so low and so dubious of yourself, it's really hard to 'love yourself'. Trust me, I know that feeling. And this is just a small incident when I thought I couldn't do it. There have been many more.

What needs to be remembered is that it'll come to you, but all in good time. You just need to be patient enough. I mean, failure comes to all, doesn't it? In fact, success comes only to those who have survived failure. But failing doesn't mean we lose hope and think less of ourselves. You try, and you learn where you were mistaken. That's a step towards success, as it is. That low self esteem screws your confidence up and then there's no hope for achievement. I learned that the hard way. The first step in attaining something, is by believing that you can do it. Confidence is one such state of mind when nobody can stop you from gaining what you deserve. That confidence, it only comes when you're proud of who you are. (Disclaimer: overconfidence and haughtiness is hazardous!)
There are times when you think that your hard work is going down the drain. Even after working day in and day out, you don't get the results you were hoping for. But remember, honey. It's not the end of the world. There are also times when you become quite unsure of something that you plan to do. "What will they say?" This thought keeps haunting your sanity. But at times like this, you just gotta let yourself go with the flow and let your heart take charge of your directions because often your mind starts to think too much, and our true emotions remain hidden. After all, Marilyn Monroe's got it right- "it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than to be absolutely boring." All you have to do is trust your instincts and have faith in yourself, and you'll certainly reach where you were meant to be.
Then there's the issue of those who just don't think of themselves as anything. They blindly follow what others say or do and that's all they are- an imitation of someone or somebody. As long as you are true to yourself, it's awesome. But just as soon as you lose track of yourself, and start treading over someone else's trails, it's a waste of your time, because these trails will lead you nowhere. Doing things just because everyone's doing it is just stupid. Desperately trying to be 'cool' is just being a wannabe. I'm sorry if you're one of them. I don't mean to offend anybody. But it's the truth. Why can't we just be ourselves and be true to who we really are? I believe that having the courage to be unabashedly yourself makes you the real deal.



P.s. Please don't forget to comment, share and subscribe!