The Fall of Autumn

As she made her way to her cold car- the only one in the deserted parking lot- Amulya’s mind took her to the night when he ended up here. And she wished it hadn’t. 

Last night, she saw him again. Of the eleven nights Amulya spent religiously walking up to his room just to stroke his cheek and wish him a good night, this was the last. He has left her and there is nothing she can do to stop him now. “I just hope you shine as bright as everyone said you would, wherever you end up”, she said to herself, her breath billowing white puffs in the cold December air. 

He and Amulya went long back. In fact, he was a part of her life for as far back as her memory took her. It had been just a day since he left but it felt to her as if an entire lifetime had passed. She never got to have much of him in his last days, anyway. So many people had hovered all around him that she can bet her last penny on the fact that he did not get enough time to even register their faces. Sitting on the corner of her bed in the darkness, she allowed herself to go further into her memory since she had ventured to step into it anyway. She took a deep breath and prepared herself for the inevitable outburst of helpless sobs. But she seemed to get a weird high off this. She would think about him, tear herself into pieces, then gather those pieces back up and go about as if nothing had happened- until some random instance struck her memory once again. This had become a pattern for the past twenty- four hours.

This time she thought about his blue eyes. Throughout his life, people had marvelled at the way he looked. This, along with his kindness and his wisdom made him the star attraction in the family. His milky white skin paired with those impenetrable crystal blue eyes, in a family of brown skin and brown eyes, made him stand out. What else made him stand out was his upright, strong and confident demeanour. He wasn’t particularly tall but the serious expression he always wore on his face made people respect him the way one would respect their guru. His dark round glasses and his loud and clear voice made him someone who could not be messed with. He was grand. He was enigmatic. He had been a great sportsman and athlete. From hockey to long jump- he aced it all. In fact, he had turned his passion for sports into his career at Roorkee University. But- there’s always a but- just like with every single person on this planet, life happened to him.

Amulya now went back to the day when she was shooting for a short film project with her friends. She was in the middle of being slapped and thrown on the floor by her abusive husband when her phone rang. The hint of alarm was clear in her mother’s otherwise calm voice.

“Beta, go back home right now. We’re on our way back as well. Baba lost his balance and fell.” There was a short pause on the other end and then in an almost whimper, her mother said, “he’s hurt.”

Up until this moment Amulya had not been too acknowledging of Baba’s presence in the home- or in her life. She had done what was required of every grandchild to do and that was essentially where her relationship with him ended, apart from the occasional storytelling sessions where he would narrate anecdotes from the past that Amulya had learned by heart over these seventeen years of her life. But she loved hearing them over and over again.

The last three months, Amulya thought, went by in a blur. She tried remembering what those three months felt like but all she could recall were little bits and pieces of stark images that now seems to be engraved on her mind. Endless, sleepless nights, shaking hands, dribbling drool, forgetfulness and broken speech. This is all she could remember and, perhaps, all she would remember from hereon of those three months. Instead of tearing apart this time though, she surprised herself. She got up and gave out a little sad laugh. It was funny, she thought, how a lifetime of grandeur could be overshadowed in three swift months, and be packed away and sent over to the other side.

That pleasant October day fastened Baba’s departure. With each passing day, Baba’s winter neared until he was as cold as that December night which took him away. 

Hemispheres

Your voice still rings
In my ears as clear as day
"Dare not cry"
Cry? I am not
"While you're gone
Too many thousand miles far
For I am no sailor 
Who could cross the seven seas
And wipe those crystals 
Off your cheeks
And the knowledge of this
Is too insufferable
For me to survive."

Revelation

Oh darling
I shall never forget that night 
When we stayed up late
Till the sun rose again
Showing each other our battle scars
That we valiantly lost
To win this one
And convincing each other of the beauty we saw
In our blemished bodies
Even as we stripped naked
And marvelled at our faultless flaws
That fit so well
With the stories we told
Of the life 
Now seemingly a distant past to us
As we vow to guard and to compliment each other
Till Death do us apart

To Blue Eyes and Toothless Smiles

I slip into slumber
Before I am awake
As my very existence
Is a constant reminder of you
And your aching absence
I want to rid you off my mind,
Let go of the things that are there no more
But I cannot
You seem to have become a part of it
And you will slowly devour it

A Letter to Heaven

I haven't ever told a soul
That I sometimes can still feel 
Your cold and wrinkly stubby fingers 
Intertwined in mine 
And see the way you flashed
That toothless smile 
Lying in that white bed
Tethered to various machines
Working every second to keep you breathing 
Inside those pale walls painted blue 
When I told you I'd come to meet you the very next day
But I never did
And now I cannot.
I cannot hear that breathy sound of your voice
Praying for my health and wisdom
For He who you used to pray to
Called you to Himself 
And now I cannot feel the gaze of your 
Light blue eyes looking at me intently 
Every time I read out a new essay I wrote
I miss the way you used to pinch my cheek
Every time I kissed you goodnight 
And I'm sorry that I didn't do it often enough 
I'm sorry that I never came back to see you 
To make you smile like you did 
And maybe help you live a day longer.
It's vain and it's futile now
And I haven't ever said this aloud 
But I miss you

Captive

Your shackles that tether me
To the corner of this room
Shadow me
And compel me to
Give in to the darkness
Forcing me to shell into myself

I am a free bird
With a heart that goes berserk
On seeing
This endless ocean
Stretched far in front of me
The places I haven't been
And the memories I haven't made
Make me go weak on my knees
For there is a hunger
Raging ablaze inside of me
That aches
To explore
And wander
And never look back

These redundant regulations
That you suffocate me with
Are a waste of your time
And mine
Let me be
Let me learn as I fall
And learn as I fail

I desire
Adventures
Experiences
And knowledge
And your grounding obligations
Take this life away from me
I can foresee
This will end badly for me
And tragically for you
Because once I leave
I shall never come back
And you can watch your precious
Fade away into the distance 
Taking all the sunshine
And happy days
Along with her

Don't cage me up
Let me break
Set me free

Verboten

Today I found out what destruction in love really means. 

I remember when I was a kid, I had a stuffed monkey that I always used to carry around with me. Mr. Brown was the only true friend I ever had. He accompanied me to the tea parties where no ones else ever showed up and helped me fight the monsters under my bed and slip into deep slumber. And then came that horrific asthma attack tat took all my stuffed toys away from me including Mr. Brown. I would cry for days reminiscing about all the good memories we spent together and how my Dad forbade me from using anything that could trigger another attack. 

The lesser known truth is that I sometimes used to take him out of that steel metal storage trunk where he was kept hostage and hug him tightly, take his smell in and try to remember it for as long as I could, for I did not know how long it would be till I got to see him again.

Love.

Irrevocable.

It will all be fun till it'll be time to bid goodbye until next time. And the uncertainty of that next time will haunt you. It could be a day or a week or a few weeks, you would never know. 

Loving the forbidden will be the toughest and all consuming. It will take the life out of you. Those moments of loneliness when you need them so much and yet they sit out of reach will be savaging. The helplessness you will feel when they're in need and you sit with your hands tied and can find no way to break through that rope that binds you will be ravaging. 

The fruit of the wait will always be 'worth it' but the excruciating pain during that wait will damages you. It will  make you cry yourself to sleep every night and that hollow pain in your torso will  became so familiar that it will only be noticeable when it decides to fade away momentarily. Most of your time will be spent in trying to remember their smell and in trying to feel every touch that made your body left tingling. But the tryst. Oh, the tryst! 

Get lost in their eyes and memorize how they light up every time they talk about their favourite sport. Or how their eyelashes flutter and shut close when you lean in to kiss them. Memorize how their fingers get intertwined in yours and how that dimple on their cheek makes you want to look at them forever. Remember every contour of their body and how well it fits and shapes with yours. Let yourself be the happiest person in that moment because God knows how long it will last and God knows how long you will have to wait to feel all of that again. Let your pain fade away as you snuggle close to them and let your heart beat fast every time they hold you by your waist and brush a strand of hair off your face. Let yourself be because everything is so much more fun when you are forbidden from doing it.

Joy.

Until next time.

Unfaithful

I lay idle like every other night with abstract thoughts flitting through my mind and not surprisingly, it zeroes in on you.

My mind wandered to that night when you poured your heart out to me. You construed our first date to me from how you saw it with intricate details. You remembered every single conversation we had, sitting on the terrace of that high rise building, watching the sun slowly dip behind the trees that lined the horizon. You remembered every insignificant detail of my life I might have narrated to you. You have a wonderful memory.

You told me you saw a big part of yourself in me- carefree and happy- just what you seek to be. And then you jumped about two months ahead and described the goosebumps that covered every inch of skin on your body when I first told you I loved you. "The best birthday gift ever", you said. You confessed proudly that I had created a writer out of you. Putting your thoughts into words was a skill that never came to you without difficulty but you claimed I made it effortless.

I will never forget the way you explained every feeling, thought and emotion you ever felt towards me. While I sat their motionless on the corner of my bed with the phone glued to my left ear and my head resting against the poster clad wall, with silent tears gushing out and rolling down my cheeks, my body was numb from the pain of knowing that there is a sadistic devil in angel's form residing somewhere inside of me, deriving pleasure out of those who gave their soul to me and faking promises to guard it with my own while it slowly burns down everything that made you feel and sucks out every emotion that drove you towards me.

Now I lay wide awake and wonder if my love will ever be good enough for you. I am incapable of loving anyone the way you love me. You are giving me your all and I can't even warn you about that angel which will soon slip out of my control and render me powerless.