Monday, 29 September 2014

Verboten

Today I found out what destruction in love really means. 

I remember when I was a kid, I had a stuffed monkey that I always used to carry around with me. Mr. Brown was the only true friend I ever had. He accompanied me to the tea parties where no ones else ever showed up and helped me fight the monsters under my bed and slip into deep slumber. And then came that horrific asthma attack tat took all my stuffed toys away from me including Mr. Brown. I would cry for days reminiscing about all the good memories we spent together and how my Dad forbade me from using anything that could trigger another attack. 

The lesser known truth is that I sometimes used to take him out of that steel metal storage trunk where he was kept hostage and hug him tightly, take his smell in and try to remember it for as long as I could, for I did not know how long it would be till I got to see him again.

Love.

Irrevocable.

It will all be fun till it'll be time to bid goodbye until next time. And the uncertainty of that next time will haunt you. It could be a day or a week or a few weeks, you would never know. 

Loving the forbidden will be the toughest and all consuming. It will take the life out of you. Those moments of loneliness when you need them so much and yet they sit out of reach will be savaging. The helplessness you will feel when they're in need and you sit with your hands tied and can find no way to break through that rope that binds you will be ravaging. 

The fruit of the wait will always be 'worth it' but the excruciating pain during that wait will damages you. It will  make you cry yourself to sleep every night and that hollow pain in your torso will  became so familiar that it will only be noticeable when it decides to fade away momentarily. Most of your time will be spent in trying to remember their smell and in trying to feel every touch that made your body left tingling. But the tryst. Oh, the tryst! 

Get lost in their eyes and memorize how they light up every time they talk about their favourite sport. Or how their eyelashes flutter and shut close when you lean in to kiss them. Memorize how their fingers get intertwined in yours and how that dimple on their cheek makes you want to look at them forever. Remember every contour of their body and how well it fits and shapes with yours. Let yourself be the happiest person in that moment because God knows how long it will last and God knows how long you will have to wait to feel all of that again. Let your pain fade away as you snuggle close to them and let your heart beat fast every time they hold you by your waist and brush a strand of hair off your face. Let yourself be because everything is so much more fun when you are forbidden from doing it.

Joy.

Until next time.